Parents always insist on their choice and advance as such many palatable arguments about their choice. It is always their keen desire to get their children married before it is too late and also when they are in service so that they are able to enjoy the participation and gathering of their contacts and prominence. It is the keen desire of each and every parent to execute these responsibilities as early as possible especially when they are comparatively not too old and thus divest themselves of the marriage of their children, which is considered and is assigned as the most important responsibility of the parents.
In this quest they will generally talk of the boy or girl they have seen and find him or her interesting and well suited to their son or daughter, which according to them, could be by status, by look, by behavior, by communication and appeal, and by his or her family background. They will cite about the girl or the boy they would have seen in social gatherings, parties, neighborhood etc. and/or through contacts and relations.
In such a situation, when the boy and girl who are in love with someone else, he or she finds it most difficult to displease his or her parents and at the same time doesn’t feel inclined to go by their way.
THEN HOW TO TACKLE SUCH A SITUATION:
1.(i)To listen and give due respect to parents: In LOVE, emotions, frequent contacts, work/family status, promises/commitments play a big part while advancing towards each other and fall in love. The parents being well wishers see to the background and equally important they think of someone who could be respectful and could go along with them happily. Hence communication between parents and the children gets very important.
(ii) It is possible when the marriage topic is being raised, the child needs to communicate and explain to his or her priorities as to what type of soul mate he or she is looking for. Mostly, children overtly do not talk to the father and instead find easy access to mother and as such he or she explains his/her desire to her who will take time thereafter to enable her to persuade her husband. It is possible if the father is a open minded person and is not decided or committed to someone else earlier, may chat and discuss with the child and come around to his or her choice and priorities as well.
(iii) Besides, it is possible that the brothers and sisters also are toeing in the same shoes of love; they could also be good communicator and persuader of the parents, in particular the father.
2. To befriend with families of each other: Plan and find ways to alternate each other and make efforts to befriend with families of each other which means the boy befriends with the family of the girl and the girl befriends with the family of the boy. Approach could be directed at the mother of the boy family and the boy with the father of the girl’s family, also this effort could be supplemented by befriending with brothers and sisters of respective families. The more each of them will be able to create sympathetic attitude of the respective parents, the easier it will be to talk and convince the respective families. This could be possible to search, analyses and be ready to render that service as and when needed and as gladly and as swiftly as the respective families need.
3. After having created this close and loving relationship, he/she needs to invite the respective parents in socializing with each other at lunch/dinner, some common celebrations like birthday celebrations etc. The closer both the families will come to each other, they will develop liking for each other and it is possible that the parents of respective families propose themselves for marriage relationship of their respective daughter and the son and/or findingthe right moment, the boy and girl could pass on their desire to their respective parents. The idea is that the more both the families will meet each other, the more they will develop liking for each other and thus the parental refusal or disinclination will be wiped off.
4.Though hard, but it is generally practiced, the boy and girl allow their respective parents to search through all their contacts, matrimonial institutes, temples/gurudwaras etc. Since each of them, the boy and the girl are already pre-determined and decided about each other, each of them will be accompanying the parents and will always be finding fault with any and every boy or girl proposed and remain patient till the parents get tired and get inclined to suggest to each of them, if you have any choice, or a boy or girl- friend, suggest to us. Hence the boy and the girl find primacy of their choice and most likely parents will agree to the proposed choice of their boy and the girl.
Caution: If in real love, then this option will work and if both are in loose love relationship, it is possible that each or either of the boy or girl may get tempted towards someone else. If the love is not matured and is not the pre-determined final choice, there is every possibility of tilting towards someone else and as such creating problem in retaliation in any and every possible means, to destroy the other one unless one is a destiny believer and is as such persuaded by the parents and/or the affected one comes across someone else and makes efforts to efface the past memories. In any case, it is a hard job but it is one of the possible solutions.
5. To decide to be far off from the parents:
This could be possible when bothare decided to
(i) Find job/business in some other city, state, country etc.
(ii) To work up for higher studies and moves to that destination etc.
6. To opt to live separate from parents: It is a hard job but occasions each of the lovers to meet quite comfortably as and when they want, away from parents, none to see and none to criticize.
7. To elope: I do not contribute to this idea and instead shall propose the above mentioned options, as eloping and marrying through court, temple, mosque etc. creates estranged relations and/or boycott with both the families and it gets difficult to cut off relations with parents and not to recall past memories. It must be remembered that it is hard to break relations with paternal family who have brought him/her from childhood to adulthood and made all sacrifices possible for his/her wellbeing, hence one may opt to resort to eloping only when one can afford to bear all sufferance and LOVE is in extreme and both are ready to face all situations howsoever hard these may be.
8. To inform parents frankly of one’s firm decision either to allow him/her to marry with his/her choice and if the parents stick to their decision, then to tell them that he/she in that case shall not marry at all and if they do not agree, he/she will prefer to live somewhere else at his/her cost. In such a situation, parents will finally, willingly or un-willingly, agree to his/her marrying with one of his/her choice.
9. In extremes on both sides of not agreeing at all, if love remains the final decision, it would be better to move far away from their respective parents, try to settle and rehabilitate in the new place and get married in the manner they both desire.
10. In short love must remain the prime most, Persuasion of both the families should be must and if all efforts fail, then all actions based on love need to be resorted, taking care that the least harm is done to parents and fights/rebukes must be avoided.
"LOVE IS PRIMEMOST PERSUASTION OF PARENTS BE TRIED BY ALL MEANS."
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By Vasdev Loond
Founder, Marriage Guidance New Concept